I'm not crying today. I'm not.

I told myself I wasn't going to cry today. This morning, I felt fine. I didn't wake up sad, at all. All the way to the airport, I felt fine. When we got the airport, I cried as I hugged him goodbye. But after I got in the car, I was fine. (Fine is the word of the day, in case you missed it.)

I spent the rest of the day with my family, trying to delay coming home to an empty house. But, there are things that need to be done and I can't keep putting off the inevitable. When I pulled into the driveway, I couldn't help but think that Jaysen was the last person to touch the doorknob. Stupid, I know.

After I unlocked the door that Jaysen locked, I walked into a house that has Jaysen all over it. He woke up early this morning and curled up on the couch. The pillow and blanket still smell like him. I'm sure if I go upstairs, his dirty clothes will be on the bathroom floor, the walls still wet from his early morning shower. The coffee is still in the pot, made just the way he likes it (toxic sludge, anyone?)

Eventually, the pillow will stop smelling like him (especially if I keep breathing on it!), his clothes will be washed and his imprints will all but disappear. Sometimes, I hate the army life but I am extremely proud of my husband. Besides, he is good at what he does. But damn, I really miss him and he hasn't even been gone 12 hours yet.

I know this feeling of desperation will fade in a few days. Luckily (or perhaps, unluckily) I started a new semester of school today and I have to go to work tomorrow, so my hours of self pity are limited.

On a positive note, this means that my friends will get to see their husbands soon as their leave rotations are coming up.

And then...he will be home and we will get back our normal.