Matthew

January 2000, I was stationed in Kitzingen, Germany.  Jaysen had been transferred from Saudi Arabia to Germany.  We were living in a small two bedroom apartment on Schutzenstrasse.

One night, I said to Jaysen "Let's not have kids right away.  Let's travel Europe and then we can have kids later."  

God laughed.

Jaysen had only been in Germany a couple of weeks.  A few days before, I told him "I think there's something wrong with my dad.  I just have a feeling."  Jaysen reassured me that everything was fine.  But that nagging feeling wouldn't go away.

February 5 (February 4 in the States), I was getting ready for the first formation of the day when my phone rang.  It was my aunt Judy.  "Your dad's body was found in a river."  I don't even remember the rest of the conversation.  I collapsed in the hallway.  I couldn't even repeat what she had told me.

I went to the formation and sat behind the rest of the company.  I told my commander what had happened.  He said, "Why are you here?  You need to go."  They arranged transportation for me to fly back to the states.

I didn't eat or sleep for three solid days.  When I got to Blackfoot, my aunt arranged for the missionaries to give me a priesthood blessing.  For the first time, I felt at peace.

Jaysen, JoAnn, and I drove from Blackfoot, Idaho to Arkansas to be with my sister, Tonia.

On the way back from Arkansas, I felt so very sick.  I was laying down in the backseat of our rental car.  "Jaysen, pull over.  I'm going to be sick."  By the time he pulled over, the feeling had passed.  "We need to go to Walmart."  He didn't ask questions.  I bought so much stuff I didn't need.  Hair ties, shampoo, conditioner, body wash...oh, and one of those pregnancy tests.

We stopped at a rest stop in Kansas so I could pee on the stick.  JoAnn was peeking over the stall and saw the stick turn blue.  I couldn't contain my excitement.

At this point, Jaysen had been home maybe three weeks.  I'll spare you the details.  The gist of it is, we were so very blessed with Matthew at the same time I lost my dad.  

While Jaysen and I were talking about delaying the start of our family, Matthew had already changed our lives...we just didn't know it yet.

I knew nothing about babies.  I prayed that God would give me a girl.  

God laughed again.

I am so thankful He didn't listen to me.

I snuck into bed with Matthew this morning and cuddled him while he was sleeping.  He's too big to hold anymore.  I'm not sure when that happened.  I don't recall the day he became too big to hold.  I can't remember the last day I held him in my lap.

There is a book called "Let Me Hold You Longer"

"Long ago you came to me,

a miracle of firsts: 

First smiles and teeth and baby steps,

a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away

and leave me to your past,

and I will be left thinking of 

a lifetime of your lasts..."

In a couple of days, he's going to be 13.  My baby is a young man now.  There are still "firsts" to celebrate, though I'm still kind of sad about the "lasts".  

I am so very proud of the person he is.  I can't wait to see what kind of man he will become.

Dear Matthew, 

I love you so very much.  Much more than you realize.  I know I had a life before you came into this world.  Though, looking back, it seems so inconsequential and boring.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without you in it.  You were the one bright light in my life when I thought for sure my happiness had forever been extinguished.  And you continue to be that beacon of light in our life.  

You make us laugh without even trying.  You are our everything.

You're so kind and generous and wise.  You've lived a life most children couldn't possibly begin to comprehend.  In the process, you taught us so many valuable lessons.  You made us better people.

I'm so proud to be your mom.

Happy early birthday, son.