Trying to live life, just in this moment.

On December 31, 1992, I cried myself to sleep.  I was so distraught over a year ending.  There was comfort to be had in 1992.  1993 brought uncertainty.  I was going to be a teenager!  I distinctly remember being scared of losing my childhood.

I wish I had known then that there was nothing to be scared of.  I wish someone had told me to always live life to the fullest.  Don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow.  Focus on right now.  This second.

Looking back, the next decade would be the decade that most influenced who I became as a person.  I enlisted in the Army.  I met my husband.  I found my dad.  Then I lost him.

And then.

Then I became a mom...which is all I ever really wanted to be.

If I could go back to New Year's Eve 1992, I would tell 12 year old Jonnie that her life is going to get better.  There will be incredibly painful losses.  She would wonder how the Earth would continue to spin when her world stopped.

But it does continue to spin and she'd find a way to get up and move forward.

She was stronger than she could ever imagine she would be.  I'd tell her to keep working on her push-ups, because form matters.  I'd make sure she knew she was a daughter of God and she was loved.  And she should stop looking for a boyfriend to make her whole.  She was already complete and no matter what anyone else said, she was good enough.

I would tell her that in time, she'd meet the man who'd be her polar opposite.  He'd keep her head out of the clouds and she'd show him how to dream.  In less than a decade, they would create a beautifully perfect little boy who would become their entire world.  Finally, they would know unconditional love.

In twenty or so years, I wonder what advice my 54 year old self will have for the 34 year old me.  If I had to venture a guess, I would say...stop worrying so much.  It will all work out in the end.  The problems that plague me in 2015 won't really matter in 2035.

54 year old Jonnie will probably say, "Stop worrying about the future.  You can't change the past.  Enjoy every moment you have, for it's the small moments that create the greatest memories."

Smart woman, huh?