With Jaysen gone, it is easy to slip into a 'woe is me' frame of mind. It is difficult to appreciate the happy times of the moment, because in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about how much better it would be if Jay were home.
Last night, I was thinking about how lucky I am to realize what I have. Many people are content with just existing. Their sole purpose in life is to just make it until tomorrow. They have no plans beyond that. They aren't really concerned with raising adults, they are more concerned with their own immediate gratifications.
I don't understand that. I can't take Matthew for granted because every minute, I think about how Jaysen is missing the small things.
I look at Matthew and I am absolutely amazed at the little person he has become. He tells me about 20 times a day how much he loves me. I'm looking forward to the person he is going to be, but at the same time, I want him to stay little forever just so Jaysen can help me raise him. After all, Matthew is so much like his dad, it's scary.
When Jaysen came home a couple of weeks ago (was it really just a few days ago?!?), Jaysen would say things like "they are just stuckin stupid". One day, we were driving on the freeway and I said something like "okay, you can slow down now." Jaysen's replied with "Why? I'm driving like a Utahn." Matthew pipes up from the back seat, "Daddy, are you stuckin stupid, too?" Nice, Jay.
Those two weeks that Jay were home went by incredibly fast. After he left, I remember thinking "was he even home?" His presence felt very surreal, like a hallucination. No matter how much I willed for the 29th to never come, it did. And it is hard to believe that it is actually 2 weeks behind me. It doesn't feel like I picked him up from the airport a month ago. Somedays, it doesn't feel like that day existed at all. If it weren't for the dirty clothes he left for me to wash and the vacuum cleaner that he tore apart and left in pieces, it would almost feel like he wasn't home at all.
I hope the next four months go by as quickly as the last few years. But then I feel like I am wishing Matthew's innocence away.
When Matthew was 4, I asked him "How much do you love me?" He thought of the biggest number that his little mind could imagine.
"Four."
"Four? Wow. That is a lot."
"Mm hm," he'd nod in agreement.
Now that he is much older and wiser, he says things like "I love you one thousand hundred fifty nine eight." I'm not sure how much that is, but I'm fairly certain that I love him more than that.
I think of things like that that Jaysen is missing. Pretty soon, Matthew isn't going to measure his love in imaginary numbers. Pretty soon, Matthew's love is going to be very well guarded and camoflauged in a front of teenage superiority. At least Jaysen will be home for the all important "man talk". I've already had the privilege of dodging the "morning wood" question.
Yup. I said it.
Wood.
You know, Matthew should be thankful that Dad was home to answer that question. My answer would have been a little too scientific. "I don't know. But if you touch it, it will fall off."
LMAO
Just kidding.
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