Monday, January 18, 2016

Confession Time

I hate feeling stupid. 

According to my grandpa, my grandma stopped going to church when Alzheimer's robbed her memory of people's names. People would approach her at church and she'd have no recollection of who they were. She knew that she should know them. They certainly knew her. She felt stupid. So she stopped going to church.

And then people stopped visiting her. I'm sure it's because they just didn't know what to say or how to act around the Alzheimer's. 

At first, whenever I called, grandpa would correct her when she repeated something. 

I was stationed in Germany and she would ask me if my honey had come home yet. She couldn't remember his name. She couldn't remember which country he was in. She couldn't even remember she had asked me that same question 3 or 4 times already. 

But she knew I was missing my honey.

Every time she'd ask "is your honey home yet?" grandpa would say "she already said no". 

I know where he was coming from. It's embarrassing, asking a question that's already been answered. People think you're not listening to them. I knew that wasn't the case.

I told grandpa that it was okay. I didn't mind repeating myself. And then he stopped correcting her.

Now I find myself in a similar situation. I don't have Alzheimer's. But Multiple Sclerosis is taking words from me. Words I should know. Names I should know. And I'm asking questions that have already been answered.

And it's embarrassing.

I hate feeling stupid. I know it's not appropriate to mop the carpet. But at that moment, "vacuum" was really difficult to recall. 

I know I have nothing for which I need to apologize. But I am sorry. I'm sorry if I can't remember your name. I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable while I take a lengthy moment to search for the correct word in my ever decreasing lexicon. 

Part of me is worried about people no longer talking to me because ... well ... just because. Jaysen said "if they are your true friends, they will love you regardless and stick around."

I hope you will stick around. If not. Well, I hope it was fun for you while it lasted. 

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