For as long as I can remember, I've always had anxiety about tomorrow. Usually, the anxiety comes at 3:00 am when I should be sleeping. Suddenly, my brain slams itself into hyperdrive. What happens if I become homeless? Would I be able to survive? How? Then I start thinking of various hidey holes I can burrow myself into. Then I wish I were smaller. I wish my joints were more flexible. There was once a time I could curl into a ball. Not anymore.
Then I think about Matthew. What would I do with Matthew? He's too old for us to go into a homeless shelter together.
Never mind that I have a good job. At 3:00 am, that doesn't matter.
But the anxiety isn't always limited to the middle of the night.
When Jaysen was deployed, there was tons of anxiety, for obvious reasons. But even when he wasn't deployed, the thought that he could potentially be deployed in the future put a damper on any happiness I was experiencing in the moment. When he was at home on leave, I would watch him playing with Matthew and think about how Matthew has no idea what was going to happen that same time the next week, because Jaysen would be leaving again.
I've been determined to live in the moment. Take time to appreciate the blessings I have. Also, I don't want to take any minute I've been given for granted. I don't want to get complacent, get caught up in merely existing. Waking up in the morning, achieving nothing, and then going to bed. I want to grow as a person. I want to make a difference to people. I love to make people laugh. I want to do more of that.
Sorry for the rambling. Carry on.